My Stalker Story: Part Six ''The End Of The Nightmare?'' | Personal Post

Continued from part five....

So the police arrived at my house some time later and I remember feeling a mixture of fear, anxiety and embarrassment. I felt a bit better speaking to my Dad about it all because he obviously knew me as a person and knew that I would never get involved with someone who was married. I knew it was going to be difficult trying to explain the whole situation to these police officers.

They sat down and told me to tell them everything. I told them the whole story and was cringing at the part when I told them that he was married. I felt that they were judging me, that might have been me just being paranoid but they did talk to me in a bit of a patronising way asking me why I didn't report this at work or call them sooner. 

I started to panic that the police being at my house might have been a bad idea because it could make M even worse. They asked me for his phone number and I was too scared to give it to them, I'd already given them his name and the town that he lived in. They said If I wanted a restraining order I would have to pay £1000. They said that they would give him a warning.

I was scared and didn't want them to go to his house because obviously his wife would be there and I didn't want her getting hurt or him getting worse. They said that they would contact him at work and have a word with him to stay away from me and my house.

I was so nervous about this and didn't know how this would play out. The police didn't seem that sympathetic towards me, I think they just thought I'd had an affair with a married man and it backfired or something. I also showed them the threatening texts that M sent me. They said they had to make a note of this and speak to him incase anything was to happen in the future.

A couple of days went by and I got a call from an unrecognised number, I nervously answered it and sure enough it was M. He said that the police had called him to come down to the station the day before and he thought it was hilarious. He said he had a friend who worked at that police station (probably another lie) and that the police had a laugh with him. Apparently they just had a quick word with him and he told them his side of the story (whatever that was) and they let him go. 

I thought he was talking a load of crap as per usual and trying to put a brave face on it. I was hoping the visit to the police station would give him a bit of a shock.

I started putting the lights on in my house again and feeling a bit more calmer cause I knew that if he was to pull a stunt again like he did that Sunday night the police would arrest him. I was in my bedroom and it was about 8pm and I decided to have an early night, I turned off the light and checked my phone and there was a text from an unknown number saying ''Having an early night?'', I knew it was him. I looked out my window and his car wasn't outside my house or anywhere on my street. I sent him a message (I know I shouldn't have done but I was curious to know how he could see my bedroom) and asked where he was and that the police told him to stay away. He said that the police told him to stay away from my house, they didn't say that he couldn't park his car up the hill from my house.

So he was still spying on me up the road from my house, it was really scary because I couldn't see his car anywhere, he must have had all the lights off or something. I called my Dad and told him and we called the police and told them about it straight away.

The police said that they would look into it again but to save all messages that came from him. I sent M a message saying that I would be saving all the messages that he would be sending me for the police's records so he may as well quit whilst he's ahead or the police will go to his house and his wife and everybody else would find out the whole story.

I got no messages again that night and It felt great! I thought that this was it all well and truly over with. The thought of the police going to his house scared the hell out of him. About a week later (I had no calls or texts after that but I was still on edge just incase he did pop up again) I got a text from him saying that he was sorry things got out of hand and that he loved me and if he ever had a daughter he would name her after me (a bit odd but that was him all over). 

A few weeks after this, things were quiet but I got a letter through the door from my landlord who was looking to sell the house I was living in so he gave me notice to find somewhere else to live. At the time I was really upset because I loved the house and the area I was living in but I realised after everything that had happened it would be best that I moved away and start afresh (I didn't want to keep looking over my shoulder also just incase M showed up out of the blue).

So I moved out and found somewhere else. Fast forward to today and my life is a lot different and I'm doing fabulous! My experience with M hasn't tainted my idea of men but It did take me a couple of years to fully get over what happened to me. I think I had PTSD for a while after that and my anxiety was high for a while but I soon started to get my old self back again. 

I still have to be careful when I'm out and about because M lives in the next town to me and I really don't fancy bumping into him again. He doesn't have any control over me now but I just don't want to see him ever again. I will never forget that Sunday night and it still gives me chills. 

I just hope that he's not harassing some other poor girl but sadly he might be knowing him. 

So, that's the end of my story and it's a happy ending but I'm glad that I shared it because stalking does need to be taken seriously and the police need to take it more seriously. Restraining orders should be free to help protect women and men who are in danger from an abusive ex. 

Also, be careful who you date at work too! Find out everything you can about a person because they could be married with a kid or anything and you're the last to know. 

Thank you for reading my story, I know it was a long one that's why I had to break it down to six parts. I appreciate you hanging on in there and reading my posts. If you have any comments please leave them below and if you want to chat privately with me about this, feel free to email me at: or tweet me

In my next post I'll be talking about the aftermath of all this, what the weeks and months were like afterwards and how I got to the point that I'm at today. 

Keep yourself safe & I'll see you in the next post x 

My Stalker Story: Part Five ''Death threats'' | Personal Post

Continued from part four....(see previous post)

When I got home my phone was going crazy but I just switched it off. I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I knew that I wouldn't get all of my wages from work with walking out but that didn't seem to matter to me anymore. I felt free at last and felt free of M.

I had a feeling that he would show up outside my house after work so I made sure all of the curtains were shut and I stayed in my bedroom with some candles lit (it sounds a bit over dramatic lol). I knew he wouldn't be happy but I thought that he would eventually get it out of his system. I also thought that maybe he was pushing me to leave with the constant harassment at work. It was hard to know what was going on in his unstable mind.

The next few days I was getting texts but I put his number in my spam folder so I didn't have to see them. I went out during the day when I knew he was at work so I felt comfortable not to bump into him.

A few days went by and I started to feel that everything was getting better and that I was calming down. It was Sunday night and I just had a lovely bubblebath and it was around 6pm when I heard a loud banging on my front door. I got out of the bath and I could see a figure through the frosted window. It was M but he was wearing a woolly hat for some reason. He was thumping at the door and shouted ''Get the f!ck out here right now''. He went to my living room windows and started banging on them, I was terrified! I hid in my bedroom and took a look at the messages in my spam folder, there was tons of them and they were all threatening to kill me. He said he would have me gang raped and he would make sure that I went to hell. 

My phone started ringing from an unrecognised number, I had a feeling it was him and I answered. He shouted ''Get the F!ck out here now or you'll regret it''. I asked him what he was talking about and told him I wasn't at home. He told me he didn't believe me and that he would stay out there all night. 

He said nobody would love me like he did and that he would never let me be happy because I used him and treated him like crap (apparently), he wasn't going to let me get away with it. He told me that he had friends who had guns and that he knew where my family members lived. 

I was so terrified and didn't know what to do, I told him to go away and that I was calling the police. I called my Dad (who had no idea about any of this) to come over straight away. I called my friend in Scotland and she stayed on the phone with me till my Dad got there.

M carried on thumping the door down and shouting the odds and suddenly went quiet. I heard the letterbox go and I could see that my Dad was at the door. I opened the door and he came in, I told him everything (as embarrassing as it was at the time I was too scared to care). My Dad mentioned that he saw a guy running away from the house as soon as he pulled up in his car. 

My Dad forced me to call the police, I was too scared to but I did. I didn't even dry my hair or have makeup on, I just stuck on a coat and some shoes and waited for the police to come. 

Continued in part six..... 

My Stalker Story: Part Four: ''It'll Be My Funeral You'll Be Going To Next'' | Personal Post

Continued from part three....(see previous post)

I kept trying to think of ways to get rid of him but still be able to go to work as normal. I thought about transferring to another branch but I knew it would be no good because it was that kind of company where rumours travel fast and of course his wife worked for the company and she was a regional manager and I didn't want to bump into her for obvious reasons.

I tried to keep him at bay for as long as I could but he was starting to get the message that I was finished with the whole thing and things started to take a really dark turn. I had to take a day off work to attend a funeral and I had my phone switched off all day. It was quite an emotional day and that night when I got home I switched on my phone to a stream of nasty messages, one of which said ''It'll be my funeral you'll be going to next''. The other messages were about me being selfish because I didn't respond to his messages and that I was probably whoring myself about at the funeral. He said that he had taken time away from his son to be with me and this was all the thanks he had gotten.

I started going into a deep depression and my anxiety was off the scale. I had a mixture of guilt and fear. I couldn't understand how I had gotten myself into this mess and had no idea how to get out of it. I went back to work and he was still annoying me with emails, this time he was sending me emails and copies of private texts that I'd sent him weeks before. He told me that he'd saved everything I ever sent him and that it would be a shame if people were to see these. 

I felt like I was on edge all the time and that I couldn't relax. He'd bombarded me with texts at night. He'd park his car outside my house at all hours of the night and threaten to make a scene if I didn't come to the window so he could see me. 

I was getting worse with the depression and making tons of mistakes at work. I got pulled into a meeting about my poor performance and they couldn't understand how I could go from being amazing at my job to this. I started to sense that they were thinking of letting me go because of my work performance but also because of all of this. My boss didn't look too happy (nor did anyone else) to see M always back and forth to my desk even though I didn't want that to happen.

I ended up having to take a week off work sick because I was such a nervous wreck. M wasn't happy at all with this. I was getting threatening texts from him and he would be outside my house in his car. I would turn the lights off in my house and use candles to make it look like I wasn't at home. He'd demand that I come out of the house but I would lie and say that I was at my sisters house so he would go away.

He made it clear that he wanted me back at work as soon as possible but I just didn't have the strength. I slept a lot of the time (after months of hardly getting any sleep) and my mind started to get a bit clearer. I started to think about just handing my notice in and working the month and to hell with the consequences.

So I went back to work and M looked so pleased with himself because he thought I was going back because he forced me too, he thought he had such control over me. 

I was back for one day and he was worse than ever with the emails and texts whilst I was trying to work. He kept coming over to my desk and embarrassing me in front of people. He was also watching every move that I made and I was struggling to deal with it. 

Lunchtime came around and I suddenly decided to take all my important items out of my desk and told a colleague to tell my boss that I was going home because I had a really bad migraine. I then walked out of work and went to a shopping centre, all the while I was looking behind me in case M was following but I couldn't see him. I don't know what came over me but I knew that day that I was never going back to work there. 

I got on the phone to my friend in Scotland who knew about the whole mess and I told her ''I've done it! I've left my job and finally got away from that nutcase''. I felt a sense of empowerment. He couldn't do anything to me anymore because I didn't work there so he could show whoever what texts and emails that he wanted. 

During this conversation I felt eyes on the back of my neck and (I'm not kidding) I turned around and M was stood there looking furious. He said ''Who are you talking to'' and I told him it was my friend and that I had left work. He said ''No, you're not'' and I suddenly had this strength from somewhere to say ''Yes, I am and it's over. go back to your wife and treat her the way she deserves to be treated'' 

I walked away from him and I felt great at that moment, like that was the end of it all. He had nothing to threaten me with anymore, at least that's what I thought. 

Continued in part five....

My Stalker Story: Part Three ''How Much Lower Can This Guy Go'' | Personal Post

Continued from part two...(see previous post)

As I mentioned before, I didn't get much sleep that night and I remember having to charge my phone cause the battery died. I switched my phone back on before I left for work and my phone went crazy with text messages. He went mad because I hadn't responded to any of them. I told him I was on my way to work and didn't want any trouble at work. He told me he would be waiting for me outside work, I told him not to.

As I walked up to work (dreading going in because I knew that everyone knew the truth) he was stood there with a Starbucks cup for me with a big smile on his face like nothing happened. I saw his hand bandaged up and I did think it looked over the top. I told him to leave me alone and that I wasn't in the mood for any of it that day, I also didn't want to be seen anywhere near him, I was embarrassed and humiliated enough.

I kept thinking about his wife and how horrible life must be for her living with him. He told me she was a drug addict who neglected their son and that was why he divorced her. The way he spoke about her was horrendous. He would say she was overweight and made fun of her glasses, it was so vile, he had such hatred for her. 

Going into work was hell, I felt like I had a huge spot light on me and that everyone was looking at me. Even my boss knew about it, I wanted to run away and hide. To make matters worse, he would not stay away from me. I'd be sat working at my desk and he kept coming up to me with bits of paper, coffee, paperclips. It was just stupid and any excuse to come to my desk. He was trying to make it look like something was still going on between us. 

As far as I was concerned it was over. I told him that I needed time alone by myself (in other words, get lost it's over) but it was clear that he wasn't taking no for an answer. 

When I was in the ladies toilets at work I decided to grab a friend (who was one of the few still talking to me) and asked her for a private chat. I told her everything and she said that she and everyone knew for ages that he was married, they'd even met his wife a few times and described her as a lovely woman. Apparently nobody at work could get their head around how I could be such a nasty person and the fact that I was walking around without a care in the world with this woman's husband. I told her about the lies and she also told me that he was being investigated by head office for giving out his personal phone number to customers and that he'd had a drama before with one of the receptionists who ended up leaving because of him. The guy was a real snake.

He kept trying to grab me at work to talk about things but I didn't want to hear it, I told him I would talk to him about it later. I couldn't concentrate at work because he kept bombarding me with emails and coming to my desk every 5 minutes. I felt that I couldn't tell my boss what was happening because I thought it would look like ''Oh, here's the little homewrecker complaining that the married man is annoying her''. I didn't think anyone would take me seriously or care for that matter.

I would try and leave work a bit late or hide in the ladies toilets till I thought he was gone but somehow he would always spring up out of nowhere like he knew my every move. I would try walking a different route out of work or do some shopping after work and he would be there. It felt like it was hard to escape him. I really wanted to leave my job but we were all under the impression that if you quit and didn't work your one month notice, they'd cut your pay. If I quit he would be angry about it and no doubt air my dirty laundry for all to see and I would have to suffer for a month or I could carry on this nightmare hoping that one day he'll get fed up and leave me alone.

I didn't want to tell his wife, my heart broke for her. I found out her name from my friend and I know this will sound creepy but I decided to look her up on the Internet to see what the real story was, was she a drug addict and neglectful mother like he said? When I found her I was shocked, she seemed like a really nice person who obviously loved her son and there was pictures of her and him together celebrating valentine's day together. I was in total shock. Something else that knocked the stuffing out of me was a picture of a birthday cake that she had baked.

His wife was an amazing baker and she had pictures on her Instagram of all her cakes. I spotted a birthday cake......a birthday cake that HE gave me months before which he said he'd been up all night baking for me. I wanted to throw up. I remember his face when he gave me the cake, he looked so proud of himself. I thought to myself at the time ''How much lower can this guy go, this is just constant utter disrespect for the mother of your child''.

His wife seemed lovely and I was wracked with guilt. I wondered why he would be like this when he had a lovely family at home. I think it was because he was a fantasist, he would lie about other things to me. He'd tell me he had his own business and that he owned a Lamborghini car. I think he wanted to present this image. His wife was older that he was and very motherly and mature. I think he liked me because I was a bit of a diva and liked my makeup and glam. Maybe he was having some kind of mid life crisis but that doesn't explain all of his other affairs because I found out later on that he'd cheated on his wife loads of times.

I found out that these affairs that he would have would only last for about a month. The women would find out that he was a liar or simply get fed up with him and dump him. The women always dumped him so that screwed him up even more. he would never let go of this and move on. He was always a person who sought revenge and that's what worried me at the time. He wasn't going to let me just walk away and get on with my life, which I was about to find out. 

Continued in part four...

My Stalker Story: Part Two ''It just keeps getting worse and worse'' | Personal Post

Continued from part one...(see previous post)

So, he was on his knees in front of me crying and shouting, begging and saying sorry in the middle of the street. I felt panic and just wanted rid of him. I couldn't bare the sight of him. He was a convincing liar, I'll give him that. I told him to calm down. He wanted me to get into his car but I refused and told him to go home. He wouldn't shut up so I told him to call me and we'd talk about it over the phone. He said he was going to get alcohol and crash his car, I told him not to be stupid and tried to calm him down. I told him I would talk to him on the phone. I made up a lie that my Dad was coming over to visit so that helped get rid of him.

As soon as I got into the house, I still felt in shock and my phone started going already with the bloody text messages. The texts were just a load of crap telling me he was sorry etc etc. Part of me was interested to hear how he was going to get himself out of this one, what lies was he going to use to excuse all of this. He'd got himself into a sticky situation and I was wondering how he was going to get himself out of it. I wondered about the Wife's brother too, was he on the way to tell his wife what he had seen?

I made myself a cup of tea (I really wanted a whisky that night lol) and my phone rang. It sounded like he was in a bathroom with the tap running (probably so the wife couldn't hear) and he was crying, begging, pleading and saying how sorry he was and that I was the love of his life (load of crap basically). I asked what happened with the wife's brother and he said ''don't worry, I've sorted it! he won't be saying a word, I have enough dirt on him''. I couldn't believe this guy, he was like a master manipulator, some kind of psychopath. He really thought he was clever and had an answer for everything. he thought he could get his way out of anything. 

I sat with disbelief as he proceeded to tell me that the reason he said ''tell him Jo, that nothing is going on between us'' was because his Wife's brother doesn't know that they're divorced and that he and his ex wife have to pretend that they are still married because his wife's family wouldn't approve and they would cut her and his son out of their lives. He said that he didn't want that for his son. I wasn't buying it. He then told me to remember all of the nice things that he had done for me and how he had been there for me when nobody else had. He also said ''Remember all of the private and personal things that you've told me about work and the texts that you've sent me, I will still keep them private unless you do something to really hurt me''. 

Come to think of it, I remember him always pressuring me to send him some nudes. I never did and I would advise women never to do this, unless you are married and you know 100% you can trust that other person. I think he wanted nude pictures of me so that he could use them later on as blackmail. 

Another bombshell which I didn't see coming.....he told me that his wife (or as he called her 'ex-wife') worked at the same company we did but at a different branch, however, mostly everyone at our branch knew her!! So that would explain all of the gossipping and dirty looks from people. It suddenly dawned on me that people at work must have thought I was a right scarlet woman (I can imagine worse words than that) seeing a married man. This situation just kept getting worse and worse. 

He told me not to worry about his so-called ex wife and that he would explain to her the situation so that I didn't get any trouble at work. This guy was such a piece of work. At the time my head was all over the place but looking back now it's as plain as day to me this guy was bad news from start to finish. 

I listened to his crap for a about an hour or so and told him that it would be better if we were just friends (I had no intention of being his friend, I was just trying to make it sound a bit more gentle) but this was no good. He sent me a picture of his hand all covered in blood and said ''what do I have to do to prove to you how sorry I am and how much I love you''. I told him to get to the hospital for stitches and that I would think about things (I still wanted to end it but he was making things really difficult. I didn't like the guy but I didn't want him to hurt himself and he was that much of a nutcase that you could imagine him going that step further).

I don't think I slept that night. I got a text about 3 or 4 in the morning from him with a picture of his hand all bandaged up (he told me he'd been to the hospital but for all I know his wife could have bandaged it up for him) and a couple of packs of pills next to his hand as if to warn me that he would take them at some point. Oh and if you're wondering what his excuse for the wife was, he said that he lived in the same house as her for the sake of his son and that they slept in different bedrooms. 

He told me he was divorced but he had to make it look like he was still married. He said ''why do you think I've spent so much time with you, if I was really married wouldn't my wife be looking for me''. I did notice back then that he always had his phone on silent and I would see it flashing every now and then so that could have been his wife looking for him, lord knows what stories he gave her.

So I had to go into work the next day knowing that everyone thought I was a homewrecker and that I would have to face him after everything that had just happened.

Continued in part three......

My Stalker Story: Part One ''What Was I Thinking'' | Personal Post

I've been thinking about posting this story for a while but never got round to it. I think maybe I was holding back because it is quite a personal thing for me to open up about and not something I particularly enjoy remembering. I do think it's important to share my story to help others and maybe help people recognise the signs if they are in a similar situation.
This is probably going to be a long story so I'm going to cut it down into parts and post them separately otherwise you'll be here all night reading lol

So let's start at the beginning......

About six years ago I worked in a high paced target driven job in the city and I had been there for about 10 months when I started to feel really burnt out. It wasn't a particularly nice place to work because you were constantly busy and the pressure was always high. I was exhausted and living on coffee & 4 hours of sleep per night. 

It got to the point where I wanted to quit the job but I knew that I couldn't because I had bills to pay so I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. There was this guy at work who I didn't really know that well but he always seemed polite and one day I was having a stressful morning with a customer and needed somewhere to sit and chill for 5 minutes just to get my head together (we had no proper staff room in the building and I didn't fancy going outside in the rain) and M (we'll call him 'M') came out of his office and asked if I wanted to go in there for a quick coffee. 

I thought it was nice of him and I went into his office where we had a nice chat and he told me he was thinking of leaving the job too. He paid me some nice compliments about my work and said that he could see how hard a worker I was, he seemed concerned and told me to look after myself and get some proper rest. I thought this was nice of him and it was a relief that someone else was going through a similar situation and understood how I felt. 

Fast forward a few weeks and I end up popping into his office for a coffee and a chat every lunch time and we got on really well. I wasn't thinking of anything romantic, I just saw him as a good friend. I still didn't know that much about him but he did tell me he was divorced and had a son. 

Jump forward to about a month and he started to make it clear that he liked me more than a friend, he would do sweet things for me, such as bringing me sandwiches at lunch time and sometimes we'd go out for lunch. As you can imagine, rumours started flying around at work. I wasn't bothered and neither was he. 

This then progressed to us hanging out after work. I would always go to Starbucks after work and he started to join me. We'd have a coffee and chat till Starbucks closed and then we'd drive around and sit and talk about life, things in general. I enjoyed his company and he seemed like a really nice, down to earth person. Things got closer between us and it ended up where we spend quite a lot of time together. I thought it was sweet at the time how he would constantly text me and insist on meeting me every morning before work. 

Things were going well for a few weeks and everyone at work knew what was going on, some thought it was nice and some seemed to be (what I thought at the time) jealous. We just ignored them. One day I walked into his office unannounced and he nearly jumped out of his skin, he quickly changed the page on his computer. I asked if he was ok and he was all flustered and said yes. I noticed before he changed the screen that he was actually in an email conversation with someone, I couldn't make out what was in the email but noticed a female name. He said that he was talking to his cousin who was getting married and she needed his advice on something.

I didn't think anything about it, after all he basically wouldn't give me 5 minutes to myself so I wasn't thinking that he was seeing someone else, where would he find the time? 

We'd been seeing each other for a couple of months and spent so much time together. He started asking me if I would be interested in having children which I thought was a bit too soon and sort of laughed it off but he was serious. I would do my best to try and change the subject but he would get more persistent and he started banging on about marriage too. I was wondering what the rush was, I just thought he was a bit too smitten (couldn't resist my charms ha ha). He started asking questions about my period and told me that he wanted me to eat more so that I would put on weight. I found this all a bit odd and it ended up where we would have arguments. 

He started to try and tell me what to do, he said he preferred my hair up in a ponytail, he didn't want me to speak to male colleagues and he even accused my female friends (not to their faces) of wanting a lesbian affair with me.

It was starting to become a real hassle and I really wanted some space. I was thinking about how I was going to end it but he would start crying and say that he would kill himself. I couldn't cope any longer with my job and told him that I was going to hand my notice in and he went crazy and begged me not to do it or he would harm himself. I didn't know what to do or think at this point, I'd never been in a relationship like this before and didn't know what to do with a guy sat in front of my hysterically crying. He would apologise and beg for another chance, said that he would change. Part of me wanted to run for the hills but the other part knew that he'd make things difficult for me if I broke up with him. 

He seemed to calm down for about a week and one day we were walking down the street holding hands when he suddenly dropped my hand. I asked him what was wrong and he said 'Shh, just keep walking, keep walking''. He was acting strange and suddenly I heard a male voice from behind us getting closer shouting ''M''. The next minute this guy caught up with us and had an angry look on his face. ''What do you think you're doing'', this guy said to him and he replied that he was doing nothing, that he was just talking to a friend. They continued to argue and a big scene was made. 

Ready for the bombshell?.... (you probably already guessed it), This guy was his WIFE's brother (Oh, yes....turns out that M was a married man). So I was stood there not knowing what was going on and not knowing where to look. I ended walking away from the pair of them. I had no idea what to do or what was going but it sounded to me like this guy was someone's brother, maybe a girl that M had messed around or something, either way I didn't want involved in it and I headed straight to the train station. 

The whole thing became even more of a farce with the pair of them chasing me to the train station. M was chasing me and the Wife's brother was chasing him. I got on the train (which was completely empty....thank god but the doors were open) and M got on with his Wife's brother and kept shouting ''Tell him Jo, tell him there's nothing going on between us, tell him we are just friends''. I had no clue what to do and I kept looking at him and the angry brother. I was speechless and then I finally found some words, I don't know why but I said to the Wife's brother ''We are just friends, nothing's going on''. Of course this was pathetic cause the guy had seen him holding my hand but I was scared, shocked and confused all rolled into one. 

The train doors were about to close and this debacle was still going on with the two of them shouting and the wife's brother shouting at me ''Do you know he's got a wife and son, do you?'' and I just sat there glued to the seat and speechless, not knowing what to do. As the train left the station my blood was rushing through my veins and I didn't know whether to cry or be angry, I remember feeling sick and a bit humiliated. I couldn't get my head around him being married. How could he spend practically 24/7 with me, harass me to get pregnant and marry him when the whole time he was married? I knew he had a son but he told me he was divorced and because we spent so much time together It didn't look like he was married to me because he was never at home. 

When I got off the train I jumped into a taxi and I felt numb, it's like I couldn't cry. I felt like a homewrecker or something even though I didn't know he was married I still felt sick and I imagined his wife, being sat at home waiting for him with their child and it made me feel horrendous. The taxi driver dropped me off a few houses down from where I lived because there was some roadworks on my street. I got out the taxi and my phone was going like was him! I ignored the phone and carried on walking, I noticed a car outside my house with the lights on and.... yes you guessed it, it was him and I remember thinking ''bloody go away you make me sick''. He got out of the car and got on his knees in front of me, crying and shouting in the street.

Continued in part two....

The Happiness Planner, Blogging Doubts, And Healing Crystals?

How's your January going so far? are you raring to go or are you dreading the year ahead? As I've mentioned on here and social media previously, I'm taking things as they come this year. I do have my plans and goals which I will continue to work towards but if things don't go 100% as I planned (you know how life gets in the way), I won't be beating myself up about it.

I've been going through this little phase at the moment of buying crystals. I'm interested in learning more about them, how they help clear negative energy and are said to be healing. I have some beautiful ones and at the moment I'm just learning about them so I'll share a post in the future when I know what their properties are, how to look after them and what they have done for me. If anyone out there has any knowledge about them please get in touch, it would be interesting to chat to someone with a similar interest or more knowledge about them. 

I've also had my eye on The Happiness Planner (the full year one) for quite a while but I thought it was a bit too pricey for a planner so I never ordered it. I was browsing for a new diary recently and found this website: The Paper Parlour, I found the 100 day version of The Happiness Planner. It was only £20 so I thought I would order it to see if I liked it and if it did pass the test I would invest in the yearly one.

So far I'm on my second day (ha ha) and I really like it. I chose the white and rose gold design (I've got a thing for white and rose gold right now) and inside you find the usual 2019 calendar but also some helpful words of wisdom, different exercises to help you really think, focus and prompt you on your goals and remind you of all the positive things that you have in your life and areas you would like to work on. There are also weekly plans, day by day planners and a weekly reflection page where you can look back over the week and see what you achieved, completed and what you still want to work on. I've been enjoying filling the planner in so far and it's helping me to stay focused, organised and keep track of everything.

If you're interested in ordering this planner, you can find it here (this isn't a gifted or sponsored post btw, I just like sharing my finds lol) 

With all these positive thoughts, I have to admit something has been bugging me in the back of my mind for the past couple of weeks, it's probably just a phase but I'm getting that ''what's the point of carrying on blogging'' feeling that I had before which ended up with me not blogging for 6 months. I don't see this as a potential career, I think that up until 2017 I thought I could really make a go of this blogging thing but it didn't go as well as I hoped. I see so many bloggers being thirsty for followers on Instagram because they know that Instagram is the place to be where collaborations are concerned. You find a lot of bitchiness and disloyalty over Instagram and I stay away from it. 

I know my blog is good (lol, blowing my own trumpet) because I work hard on it and I rarely have brand collaborations. I'm not a blogger that just churns out sponsored review after review. I've been trying to switch up my content quite a lot to include a lot of important topics, personal posts as well as wellbeing. I don't get the awards and views that I deserve (ha ha) but to be honest, that's fine because as long as I'm happy with my blog and I know I have loyal readers who tell me all the time how much they've loved my latest post or I've shared something that has really helped them, that's all that matters.

I suppose I've just been wondering what's the point in carrying on with it but now I see it more as a hobby and I will be carrying on posting. I do feel sorry for some of the bloggers who are 100% focused on beauty, fashion and nothing else because they have to struggle with the Instagram pressure and trying to attract and keep followers.

I haven't seen anyone post anything positive about Instagram in ages, my timeline looks like a constant stream of tweets lately with the same ''Are we buddies on Instagram, follow me, here's my link'' or ''I want to reach my goal of 2000 followers on Instagram, it would mean the world to me if you followed me, here's my link''. 

I always say, never be ashamed of self promotion lol, keep putting yourself out there but sometimes it's like people are begging for Instagram followers and likes and it's really sad to see because these are fabulous bloggers with fantastic content and it really shouldn't matter how many Instagram followers they have but to a lot of brands it does.

I'm actually surprised that people like reading my ramblings, rants and personal posts. I think it's funny when I get comments and messages from men and women saying how they can relate to some of the things I say. I suppose as well as review posts I'll keep on with my blog as it is, since it's getting a lot of positive feedback, I just go through these moments when I wonder why I put the effort in, it is silly and I should focus on the positives of which there are quite a few. I suppose that's a common thing in blogging to have these self doubt moments. 

I hope 2019 is the end of the Instagram pressure for bloggers but I don't think it will be. I am wondering how the blogging community will take shape in 2019, we've seen a lot of changes already. I can't believe how different the blogging world is to when I first started and there's so many bloggers out there now which is a great thing and to see more male bloggers too is great! 

I've got nothing against Instabloggers and Youtubers but when some of them do a 'review' it's kinda half arsed lol. They'll show the product, say a couple of lines and mention something about links in the description box and that's it! Traditional bloggers go more in depth and give you more information about the product and the brand. I tend to trust traditional bloggers more and reading fellow bloggers posts when thinking about purchasing a new product. I'm sorry to say that I don't 100% trust Instabloggers and youtubers when it comes to products because I know that nine times out of ten, they've been paid to say how amazing a product is. 

What are you're thoughts on what I've mentioned in this post? Do you have The Happiness Planner or do you collect crystals? let me know in the comments below or Tweet me.

Hope your January is going great so far, see you in the next post x 

*All thoughts and opinions shared in this post are 100% genuine and are my own. This is not a sponsored or gifted post. Picture is my own.